Day 272 since Lockdown in CA

So here we are... I have not written in here since March of this year. Looking back at what I wrote about the virus we really had no idea what was coming. We are in the month of December and COVID 19 is looming destroying lives and lively hoods left and right. 

The virus itself is still unknown and scary. I know people who have gotten it with not one symptom, others who have had all the symptoms, and some that have lingering symptoms. The problem is.. No one knows what their case will be if they end of getting it. 

The burn out of mothers around is strong.. Mothers from all sorts of backgrounds and situations. Working moms, stay at home moms, working from home moms, mom who are not working from home, but working, moms who's husbands and partners are in their face all day, moms who's husbands and partners are gone all day, moms who have lost their jobs and dealing with a situation they never thought was doable. I guess I could go on.. You get my point. I'm sure the husbands and dads feel it too, but mothers are getting burned right now. 

I personally have feelings about the weight on my shoulders that some may not feel. I'm blessed beyond belief..... honestly sometimes I look at my life and just think how lucky I am. I have a beautiful home, family, friends, my health is good, I have a job that is stable, food is on the table, cars are filled with gas and good tires, I'm about to bring a baby into this crazy world... I am one lucky person. I do work hard for it, and its taken me a while to get here, and I still have to continue on my journey, but I'm not struggling. Where I do struggle is the ground hog day effect that this virus has put on our lives. Home school, work, cooking.... (oh gosh the cooking....) and the effort we must all take to make sure we step out of our homes to get exercise and activity into our daily lives. When my days prior would be different and exciting with drop offs and pick ups, with Zumba a few times a week along with baseball, Judo, or any type of activity the kids have. The traveling for work, and the excitement that brings into my career.  I mean it was a mix of things that made this life enjoyable. To see the growth of our children outside the home. Such an important part of life that is just being forgotten right now. 

Its become so bad that when I look at pictures of myself hugging my family or friends I think its weird.... WOW. Will this effect us our entire lives? Will we suffer from some sort of PTSD? I know it sounds extreme... but do we know? There are a lot of people who are not in bad situations through this, but we end up feeling guilty for having these thoughts of when will this end? Why are people so selfish that this virus was not taken seriously? We are in a country that is very much controlled by the government and fighting back for our rights or freedoms did not do us much good, because a virus makes you sick and thats just science... Sad truths, but it's our responsibility to each other to make this work. 

I want my son back in school, sports, and activities.  I want to get excited about the days ahead of us, instead of just getting up like I'm in a world that is on repeat. My mind is strong and I can say with confidence that I'm a happy person, but the things happening around me is not bringing that happiness. It's just how I bring my mindset into play. For people who suffer mental illness this has got to be a hard season to deal with. 

My point is that even though we are lucky, blessed, and living this shit sucks.. It sucks bad. Life is not amazing right now. For moms this is hard.... the demands are not normal. We need our villages back... we need them bad... I can not wait for this to be over....

Coronavirus

This virus has really inspired me to write. This is such an interesting time in our society and I'm not sure if I understand or like what it is doing to our communities and country/countries. Profiling and racism is one of the negative outcomes of this virus.

For example, the ship that has docked in Oakland has thousands of people on it. The reactions I see in our community to the ship being so close is concerning. Just imagine if you were one the individuals on that ship. You decided to embark on a vacation that you probably saved up for and waited months to go. Instead it turns into a nightmare, while you are contained waiting to find out if you have a deadly virus or not. Then once you are allowed to step on land you probably feel sense of burden on the community at no fault of your own. We need to embrace these individuals instead of shaming them and thinking why would they dock the boat here?

For work I travel a ton. I actually have traveled 2 times since the virus made its way to the country. I have always thought traveling has been dirty. Think about those tray tables, handrails, bathrooms, and security check points. I mean there are just tons of people going through there. I was actually standing in line to wash my hands for the first time ever. What does that say about our community? It says people are gross. Why are we all of a sudden practing good hygiene? Shouldn't we be doing this all along? This woman and I were joking about it in the bathroom. But on the traveling note, why do I feel a sense of guilt for taking that "chance" of traveling and bringing it back to the community. I mean in all fairness I know I'm fine, but should I be shamed because I want to travel, and I want my family to travel? The reality is that I'm canceling a trip scheduled for next week and I'm not attending 2 trade shows as of now for this. One being rescheduled, and one they are still deciding to hold.

I know this is scary for many, and yes the % is higher than the flu of death rates, but the information is new and not picked through correctly. We don't know about the virus, which is scary, and on a side note if you wanted to get tested the doctor you see would need to make a strong case to the CDC and maybe you would be tested. If not they tell you to self quarantine and be on your way. This is not fully controlled which is why people are in a panic. Look at your 401K, look at your stocks. It's crazy what is happening. Look how people are being treated. I hope as a country we can get a grip on this and continue to act like a community and society.

Whats Important to You?

With all the different individuals in this world everyone puts importance on different things. If you go down the line and ask people what is important to you, most people will say.... Family, health, love, happiness, friends, religion, and ect. I'm sure that one of those items you will list as an importance. But do people really answer it truthfully? Are there items that are important to you that maybe you would not mention because they are just too raw? Most likely, but in the end don't they relate to the main importance?

Things that are important to me include the above, but it also includes, running hot water, reliable car,  vacations, the ocean, laughter, good education, $$ in the bank, truth, empathy, good wine, cozy home, nice skin...... I guess I could go on, but these items don't matter that much, but they are important to me. Is it so wrong to have different items be important? I guess its the little things that count.

What important to you?

Learning Lessons

It's been some time since I wrote, but today I'm feeling inspired. Some of you may know that I'm working on buying my first home and in the Bay Area of all places. Some people call me crazy, well most people do. Yes looking at homes that are priced at $700K with a whole 1200-1500 Square feet of space, along with a possible remodel of a bathroom or kitchen is not ideal, but its what I'm doing. California and even the Bay Area is one of the most amazing places in the country. Waking up here each day makes me feel content and at home. The beaches, the last min trips to paradise that take less than an hour to get to is something I just can't explain. But its stressful and it makes me feel like I'm not good enough to be in such an amazing place. These people are crazy and the amounts of money is next level. Maybe one day I will get there, but what I want is a place to call ours and live in it for years to come, so yes the pressure is on to find the perfect home and not let the crazy people get into the mix. I know it will happen when it's supposed to, just like how everything works out the way it's supposed to.

As we come up to the New Year I think about my accomplishments along with some new goals I may have set aside for some time. Goals are good. They drive us and I think no matter how small or large goals may be its important to set them and not get upset when you don't hit them, as long as you do your best. I graduated in 2019! That was the most amazing thing in my eyes. I was hoping to buy a house, but it looks like that may have to wait until 2020, but having 2 amazing things like that happen in 1 year may just be too much to handle, so I will take it. I also took the step to become Zumba certified. My certification is in January and who knows in sometime I might be teaching a class near you.

The lessons I'm learning about these big steps I'm taking is humbling. My relationships have been a big thing for me this year as well. Growing is so important and my growth has attracted the relationships I want and deserve. As 2019 winds down I know that 2020 will also have positive changes.

Have a good week peeps!

Events and Paths

Its Friday!! How I love a Friday :) It has been a busy week with some travel in the mix. Flying to the east coast to get some business done and back to the grind. I always bitch about flying but in general its the sacrifice I make to get to work from home. I feel like Brayden is totally off schedule and his dad does the best he can with the support from his mom to make sure Brayden is good. I don't know what I would do without both of them in my life. Its hard raising a child and being in a demanding job where you have to leave your life days at a time once or twice a month, but its the path I chose and its amazing. Rough, challenging, lonely, exhausting, but amazing!

Yesterday I was in the store and this woman in front of me was short .98 cents. Seriously less than a dollar. I never have cash on me, but I actually had 2 dollar bills in my wallet.. I have no idea why. Anyway I gave the woman the dollar because she needed it. She was embarrassed, I didn't mean to embarrass her I was just doing what I hope any person would do in that situation. I've done it before, and it's about paying it forward right? Well she looked at me and started to cry, she said thank you so much, I will pay it forward too. She walked up to me and held my hand and said. My son just passed away a few days ago and I'm really out of sorts. Your kindness is something I needed right now. She told me to hold on to my son, and just keep loving him.... Yes, I was tearing up. Brayden of course did his loving thing, and she was able to get what she needed and left. It was emotional.

I was so moved because its was less than a dollar, but she needed the kindness and caring more than that dollar. That to me was so impactful. It just makes you think that the events and the paths that are put in front of you all mean something. She was short a dollar because she needed someone to show her that compassion and love. There I was along with lovey Brayden to give her that, even if it was only for a minute.

Have an amazing weekend!!

These Children :)

To the mamas, dadas, teachers, nannies, grandparents, uncles, aunts, and just around caretakers and influencers. Do you ever just sit back and think how amazing it is to be raising children? There was a time in my life where I said I wouldn't have kids. I'm totally serious... I had decided kids maybe were not for me. But, life happened and I had 2 young kids come into my life, and later on came Brayden.

Children are the most influenced. It's a challenge to influence adults, you have to come with credentials most of the time for adults to really take advice from other adults. We as adults are stuck in our ways let's just face it. Now children they listen, learn, and watch. 

This morning Brayden didn't like the type of egg his dad made him. It was over medium, and Eddie wanted him to try something new. Let's just say he was not feeling it. I don't blame him, eggs are something that are easy to be picky with. I asked him if he wanted scrambled eggs, and he said yes. I asked him would you like to actually make it yourself, and he said YES! So I took a negative experience where he was upset over his egg into an experience he can learn from and become influenced in a better positive way. He loved making his eggs, and he felt proud, I felt proud, and even his dad joined the experience. 

It was such a little glimpse of time, and it just made me think.. These children that we are raising are so influenced and so fragile. It's up to us to make them the people we want them to be. I make so many mistakes as a parent. Brayden is a challenge every day. I want to be better for Brayden, Eddie, and Arielle. Influence them in ways that will help them in life. So maybe it's really the children that influence the adults?  Our childhood is a small part of our lives, and it's such a huge part at the same time. 

I've contemplated putting Brayden in Cub Scouts because of the commitment. When I looked at that calendar of events and the requirements of fundraising I almost fell over, along with another parent couple behind me... lol. It's a shocker looking at it. I'm going to do it. I might seriously feel sick thinking about it, but if having him in a program that he likes and a program that will teach and influence him in ways I might not be capable of, I'll take it. 

So to answer my question earlier. I really think that children influence us, just as much as we influence them. What an amazing trade off! 

Enjoy the rest of the weekend!

Just Another Monday?

Its Monday! As we all get to wake up on this Monday, some of us may have woken up refreshed, exhausted, tired, hungover, or just as any other day. The weekends are a beautiful thing. We get to spend time with family, friends, and just plain make the most of it.

This weekend we had all the kids with us. My personal friends know about the changes recently in our lives, but not everyone knows. In March of this year we only have Eddie and Arielle every other weekend. Compared to 50% of the time. This is an abrupt change in everyones lives. The details of the arrangement are heart wrenching and as my writing continues on I will speak more to those details as they become appropiate. To sum things up, teenagers are confused little humans, and that's ok. The ability to stay strong through this transition has been rough, but I can say almost 6 months down the road the relationship with the kids and our family has not been tainted. We have been able to put the heartache aside and keep our love for each other strong. Brayden becomes sad at times, but he has both myself and his dad to support him and get through it.

I know many families deal with the heartache of a blended family. It's not easy and it becomes confusing to all parties involved. If you are dealing with the constant battle of custody I know we can all relate. What I'm saying is you are not alone. It also may distract you from your goals, but it won't stop those goals. Remember love always wins! At least thats what I want to think.

Our weekend was filled with love with family and friends. A birthday party that brought people together that are dear to me, but don't always have the ability to see or share time with. I also was able to see my brother, nephew and niece who I wish I could see more of. Along with a day at our local pool with friends that are newer in my life, but something about it feels so right.

I'm ready for this week, and willing to take all the bullshit that comes with it. Work keeps us balanced. No matter what type of work it is. If you stay at home and take care of your family, if you hustle out in the work world, if you work in the comfort of your home and blind off the distractions, or if you volunteer all your time away. We are all in it together!

Enjoy!